Dave's Web Site: Food

There's only two things I can't get sick of no matter how much of it I eat--eel and Mom's cooking.

Are you a poor, busy, college student? Do you hate that McDonald's/Carl's flavor because you've been eating it every day for the past year/decade? Fear no more, and learn cooking the man-way from Dave:

The Three Tools
There are only three tools you really need to cook with--a spatula, a wok, and a blender. Nothing else is necessary... seriously!

The spatula: Ah, good old spatula, which can triple-up as spatula, spoon (after you dent it the right way through use), and knife (make sure to get a metal one).

The wok: I can't find another cooking pot/pan that allows you to put so much oil into it so efficiently.

The blender: Perfect for making drinks, or grounding beef. Good for dicing chicken too. The way I see it, you either eat the steak whole or in very little bits. No need for anything in the middle.


The Five Traits
To be a good man-cook, you need to possess five traits--pain tolerance, heat tolerance, taste tolerance, annoying-guy-who-tries-to-give-you-advice tolerance, and a large vocabulary for swearing.

Pain tolerance: In case you stick your finger accidentally into a blender and turn it on. Also in case you don't fully master the use of the spatula as a spoon.

Heat tolerance: You're cooking. There's bound to be lots of heat and fire. At some point or other, and possibly very often, you'll get to know heat better than you ever knew before. Take it like a man, wuss!

Taste tolerance: Unless you're some type of wunderkind, your first few trials will not come out so good. One way to make yourself improve fast is to EAT THE WHOLE DAMN THING, NO MATTER HOW HORRIBLE IT TASTES! It builds character, motivates you to improve quickly, and trains you for when you eat someone else's bad cooking.

Annoying-guy-who-tries-to-give-you-advice tolerance: When people try to give you advice, you'll feel very tempted to use the spatula on hand as a battle weapon. Resist this urge! Mixing blood of an annoying person with the dish ruins the flavor!

A large vocabulary: In case your tolerances are exhausted.


The Eight Condiments
There are only eight condiments anyone needs to use. There are: salt, pepper, vinegar, sugar, soy sauce, garlic, MSG, and oil.

Salt: For making foods salty.

Pepper: For making foods taste good.

Vinegar: For making foods taste vinegary.

Sugar: For making foods taste like dessert.

Garlic: Note that garlic leaves can take place of green onions in most dishes! Most people don't even notice the difference.

Soy sauce: To give everything that nice brown color.

MSG: To kill the taster's neuron so that he can't sue you for trying to poison him.

Oil: The prime ingredient that holds everything together.