Dave's Caltech Survival Guide
General FAQs about this guide
Definitions of common Tech and guide terms
Common how-to's to know about
Schedule planning guides
Caltech traditions
General FAQs about this guide
What is a FAQ(s)? Why do I keep hearing people talking about it?
FAQ stands for Frequently Asked Questions, or in this case Freaking Anal Question. Next question!
What is Caltech?
I'm amazed that you found this page if you don't know what Caltech is.
Caltech is many things... according to the Princeton Review, Caltech is a
college that Princeton consistently ranks higher than. According to Caltech
propaganda, Caltech is "the world's largest playground for math, science, and
engineering." According to many Caltech students, Caltech is Hell. All three
of these definitions are incorrect: Princeton isn't a real college, there
are no swings or slides here (I was disappointed!), and Hell is only a subset
of Blacker House.
I hear Caltech is hard. Is there an easy way to get good grades?
You could try cheating, but then the Brain Overwrite Council (BoC) will
hunt you like a dog and brainwash and vilify you, and your friends will shun
you.
I meant ethically....
Please refer to Pasadena Religious Services Page.
Is the ratio really that bad?
Ratio? Bad? I don't know what you're talking about...
I'm interested in the Humanities, in particular, Classic Languages. Does
Caltech offer a cirriculum in that?
Certainly. Caltech offers a wide variety of languages, including Linnaeous
Taxonomy, Abstract Algebra, Organic Nomenclature, and many many more.
Do you guys have any fun at Caltech?
What? You don't think soldering for 20 hours straight for EE is fun?
Is it true that all Caltech students eat only pepperoni pizza and drink only Mountain Dew?
No, that's just Stephan. We enjoy delicacies such as broccoli and eggplant pizza, and drink
Cactus Coolers.
I want to marry you Dave! Are you available?
Sorry, I'm not interested in men.
No, but I'm a girl! Really... a hot one too!
Right, and I'm George W. incognito.
Definitions of common Tech and guide terms
Apache
Ricketts House's annual lewd party. People go there, get drunk, and make out with random
ugly people. Also, ugly people tend to like to wear very little at this event.
Blue Slip
What one gets when one is failing a class. Can be redeemed at the Coffeehouse for one free
milk shake. Put another way, one can accumulate 57 free milk shakes over four years without
overloading by signing up PE classes to maximum (51 for frosh and 54 for others), and dropping
down to 39.
BoC
The BoC is a mystery. Member of the BoC are rumored to wear black veils and carry scythes.
Few survive an encounter with such a fear-inspiring group, and those who do are too scared to
talk.
BRDC = Big Red Drop Card
A misnomer because they are actually white. Techer's one recourse when things get too tough.
Allows to waste the rest of your life elsewhere. Not to be confused with the Yellow Drop Card.
Caltech
See FAQs
Coffeehouse
Where one gets food late at night. Also where one could possibly acquire the valuable skill
of slicing a tomato properly. Also provides free milk shakes for the *ahem* dumb.
Crazy
Adjective applicable to over 90% of Caltech students who have spent at least one year at
Caltech.
CS
Defined to be anything that's the single largest drain of one's time. Often applied to
CS 138 and Counter-strike.
Daihatsu
Faster than a speeding Techer, higher than the tunnels, these orange spectacles are sometimes
rumored to be seen by Caltech students. More often, Techers are too busy running not to get
crushed under them to really notice its appearance.
Dave
Me. See also crazy
Ditch Day
Time-honored Caltech tradition that takes place tomorrow.
Egg-McMuffin
What solder starts to smell like to you after you breathe it for about 10 hours and then
realize it's 40% lead.
Ernie's
Food truck that is hovers around the Physical Plant around noon on weekdays. Has good food
for cheap if you're not on Board. Try their Jaws burger or Philly sandwich.
Flame
The result of too many flicks. Common symptoms include drinking 12+ shots of Everclear,
playing 40+ continuous hours of Everquest, existence of BRDC, and numerous blue slips.
Flick
The fine art of doing very little to nothing over extended periods of time which
leads to mastery of procrastination. Sometimes leads to flaming.
Formal Dinner
The nice dinner you get once a term from Board plan. Basically CDS rubbing in your face
that they CAN cook well; they just don't the rest of the year.
Fraedo's
Techer's most common source of non-Board food. Menu includes buy-one-get-one-free Pizza and
a variety of pastas.
Glomming
The act of enslaving oneself to someone else. Common side effects include intense jealousy,
stalking, and acting pathetic to friends.
GNU
GNU is Not Unix.
Hell
Commonly mistaken by frosh and pre-frosh to be Caltech. In actuality is a subset of Blacker.
Interest Sheet
Where people find topics to make fun of you for.
IHC
The group that hunts you down when (and I do mean when) you break rotation rules.
Little T
Useful book that includes info such as restaurant reviews and locations.
Page
The best of the seven houses. Includes such cool people as me.
PCC
The nicest community college I've ever seen. Located very close to Caltech, and according
to some have a large quantity of hot, available chicks.
Ponding
A slightly more severe form of punishment often used for initiations.
Procrastination
You should know what this is, otherwise you never would've made it to Caltech.
the "Ratio"
3 to 1. Stands for many things. Such as guys to girls, students to profs, flunkers to
graduates, and math GRE scores to verbal GRE scores.
Reality
What you fail to notice after three-consecutive all-nighters. Makes you write stupid web
pages, rant on and on about useless terms, and spread propaganda for your house.
Red Bull
"Red Bull gives you wings..." However, remember that homeobox mutation flies with 2 pairs of
wings can't fly.
Scheme
Evil and totally useless language that you have to learn for CS 1, 2, and 3. Mwahahahaha
Showering
A minor form of punishment for things such as birthdays, unwise music selections, etc.
SURF
What you do over the summer if you can't find a high-paying internship. Also what you do
if the professor's been so nice to you that you can't ethically leave.
Ten times ponding at Baxter
What you get for playing God, Stephan! Dammit... It's actually 12 now (11 + the one in 2030)
Don't the the crawfish bite!
Throat = cutthroat
Someone who has taken more than double the number of classes you have, and is one year your
junior. Also anyone who tries to achieve a degrees/years ratio of above 0.5
UASH
You flick, you flame, UASH. Put another way, ash doesn't stay at Caltech very long.
Yellow Drop Card
Allows one to drop one class. Accumulation of several of these lead to BRDC.
Common How-To's To Know About
How do I sign up for either an insanely heavy or an insanely light schedule if my advisor
doesn't let me?
Two best solutions I've found are <1> change advisor, and <2> get his secretary to sign it.
Commentary for <1>: You should not have any moral qualms against switching advisors. I am
currently on advisor number three. They are supposed to be there to help you, and if they're not
being helpful, someone else will be.
Commentary for <2>: This method is sneakier and more fun. :) Find out your advisor's schedule,
and then go get the Yellow card signed when he's NOT there. Most likely his secretary will be
though. Plead with her to sign you card. Flattery helps. As does giving ample thanks
afterwards if you plan on carrying out this strategy more in the future.
How do I get an underload without the Dean's approval?
The best way is to sign up for an insane schedule (70-90 units) of hard classes that you
don't have any prereqs for. Then the registrar's office will "be smart" and notice that it's
crazy, and drop all the classes you don't have prereqs for, under the assumption that you'll
probably either fight for the classes or sign up for different ones. However, they print out
an official intermediate schedule to demonstrate their intellect and power. This schedule can
be used as proof for an underload. First term frosh year, I was down to 9 (yes, that's right!
9!! NINE) units after they did that. Of course, I was actually after the hard load, but that's
another story.
How do I get showered repeatedly by upperclassmen in my house?
Here are a few suggestions for those who want to be ritually cleansed:
1. Repeatedly play "The Ride of the Valkyries" at 2:00am
2. Insist that you be treated with dignity
3. Claim it's your 21st birthday (21 free shots or 21 free showers... your choice)
How do I get to eat better food?
Go to Cornell. If that is not a viable option, considering living off-campus (so you don't
have to be on board), ordering out a lot, or going on the Feynman Board Plan (Chandler lunches).
Or you could get your parents to pack you lots of yummy food like Omar.
Common Not-To's To Know About
Schedule Planning Guides
Schedule planning for the softcore Techer
Schedule planning for the mediumcore Techer
Schedule planning for the hardcore Techer
Schedule planning for the ultra-hardcore Techer (currently being tested)
Softcore Planning
Ok, so you got in Caltech, want to take it easy, but still want to graduate? Easy. Go for a
degree in E&AS... I mean, E&AS have the first three letters of EASY... what more need I say?
But I'm a verbose guy, so I'll walk you through this. E&AS has a total requirement of 176 units,
which is pretty damn easy... it fits well within one year in the schedule of a hardcore Techer.
To make your life even easier, consider taking Ma 108abc/Ma 109abc/ACM 95abc your frosh year.
Now may be thinking "The Hell!? Take hard classes frosh year? You're on crack Dave." However,
if you think about it carefully, almost no one fails any classes here, so it is immediately
obvious that taking hard classes on pass/fail is to your advantage. Besides, you can always take
part c some other year.
Now, you need total 486 units to graduate. Divide this by 7 (senior year = 1, all others = 2),
you get 69.43, dividing this now by 3, you get 23.14. So that means, frosh, soph, and junior
years, you should average around 46 units, and senior year, you need an awe-inspiring 23 per
term.
Assuming you don't place out of any classes, you need to take 45 units of math, 45 units of phys,
15 units of chem, 9 units of bio, 18 units of lab, and 108 units of hums. That adds up to a
total of 240. Consider taking Ch1ab and Ch3a sophomore year. This again, is to maximize your
number of pass/fail classes. By moving those three things out of the first two terms of frosh
year, you increase the total number of pass/failable units by 27.
With that, you should have 90 (selectable pass-fail) + 90 (frosh pass/fail) + 27 (trick) = 207
units on pass/fail, plus any additional class you take that are pass/fail only.
For easy classes you should do not on pass/fail, please refer to my
classes page.
That's about all I have to say...
"I can only show you the door; you must walk through it..."
Mediumcore Planning
Before you ask, "What the heck is mediumcore?" I'd like to disclaim all
responsibilities of the term on my roommate Alex Shim's Diablo II character. Mediumcore is
basically softcore for the proud. Unwilling to admit that they don't have guts enough to go
ultra-hardcore, they more classes and work harder than the softcore Techer, but receive the same
reward... 1 piece of BS. Also included in this category are those who get two pieces of related
BS... (math and CS, bio and chem, etc.) Your strategy should be similar to the Softcore
strategy... maximize pass/fails, except you have a slightly harder task at hand because some
classes cannot be pass/failed.
Hardcore Planning
Hardcore describes those Techers who are crazy/proud enough to pursue two unrelated majors and
still plan to graduate in four years.
Ultra-hardcore Planning
See my schedule, or Alex's.
Traditions
Home.
Contact me at my ITS address.